I am screaming at the top of my lungs! Why do you look at me as if you hear nothing?
I’m beginning to grow hoarse. Can you actually not hear me?
I give one last strangled cry. Maybe you heard that last painful squeak?
Don’t you dare interpret my sudden silence as a quiet, peaceful mind.
No. Quite the opposite, in fact. I quit screaming because the voices in my head have become louder than my shrieks. No longer can I hear my own thoughts long enough to send audio through my mouth. It’s a victory if I can even get the voices to quiet down long enough to crawl out of bed and get dressed.
All day long I hear a voice that sounds so much like the one I lost long ago. I hear the voices of people I once called friends telling me they don’t want me. I hear the laughing voices of children, unable to be conceived. I hear Siren like songs that beckon me back to sleep. I hear the dull, unintelligible murmur of information that can’t be focused on long enough to understand. And under it all, I hear a faint, steady heart beat.
You look at me as if I’m crazy for hearing voices. But you have them too, you know. Everyone has voices in their heads. Some are good at ignoring them, others have learned how to force them to shut up. Then there are those who are learning to shut them up and the voices are fighting back. It get’s exhausting.
Some people consider these voices to be their personal demons, their burden to carry. In my mind, I see them as voices. Voices are easier to smother and over power.
Yes, the voices in my head were loud and over powered my frail voice before. But while my voice was quiet and broken, I found help. I went to the greatest voice teacher ever known to man. He has healed my voice, He has given it new strength it’s never had. Now I am learning to smother the voices of Self-Hatred, Laziness and Depression. No longer can they have power in my head, over my thoughts. Fears of loneliness and infertility can no longer dictate my actions. All these voices are currently being smothered while my voice grows louder and louder.
Once again I am screaming at the top of my lungs.
But this time you will hear me.