Not Being Dead Inside is Good

Looking through many of my old rants from last spring that are organized on various flash drives, I noticed a basic theme: “I feel dead inside because I’m so tired.” Although this past fall semester was so busy to the extent that I didn’t even have time to write my therapeutic rants, one or two that I wrote conveyed similar messages: “I just want to sleep for years.”

I can’t help but laugh at the tone I wrote my melodramatic rants last spring. What did I know of tiredness and stress then? However, this past fall, the exhaustion was admittedly much more legit. This past fall I was working two jobs, trying to figure out senior year, taking 10 credit hours of college classes, and battling physical and mental issues. Needless to say, I did not have time to deal with everything in as healthy a manner as I should have.

This semester I was so smart and chose to take on even more! *Casually sighs and sinks to the floor*

But I’m handling it better.

Or, at least I was. Until this past week.

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It’s only the fourth week of school, but I already feel as if I’m drowning.

In one way, I’m not scared. I know what’s coming and I know how to defend myself. I know how to fight against the wave. But in another way, I am still not completely recovered from last semester. My defenses are weak. I sometimes feel as if I could crumble at any moment

This blog post is in no way meant to sound as if I’m complaining. I’m not. I love my life. I love all the things I get to do, the things I get to be a part of. I love the people that are in my life, I love my job, I love my classes, I love being able to begin writing for other platforms, I even love being on a robotics team. I am living the dream!

So a question remains, why am I so tired? Why does it feel as if I am walking through a dream, my consciousness watching my body go through the motions of life? Is this daily experience actually living?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I am having trouble focusing on one thing at a time. I don’t know why I just randomly start crying while mixing in the middle of service. I don’t know why I feel as if I’m slowly dying inside.

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But I do know, that this time I will not reach rock bottom like last semester. I will not let the enemy sneak in and lie to me like last time. I know Jesus has already won the battle for me. He’s waiting at the end of the fight, waiting for me to catch up.

This time I will fight through the darkness with everything I’ve got because I’ve tasted the sweetness of victory. I know what freedom feels like. I know I am not alone. I know I can do this.

This time, I refuse to feel dead inside. Even though it feels as if I’m dragging a ten ton block behind me, I am choosing joy and life. Because when this battle is once again over, I want to walk out stronger than when I walked in.

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